GROUNDHOG DAY

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https://alter-eco.sslpowered.com/ThisOldGuitar/audio/Groundhog%20Day%20Slaughter.mp3


SCRIPT

Groundhog Day

So you wanted to know all about G Hog Day, eh? Well it's not as lucrative as to drive the economy like Xmas, Valentines Day, Halloween, but it ranks somewhere way down with Lunar New Year. hahaa Here's some info:

*NB For those who are not familiar with this old folk lore, every year on Feb. 2nd, the groundhog is observed coming out of his hole at high noon to see if it can see it's shadow, or not, to determine if it will be a long or short winter. If it sees it's shadow it means that there will be at least 8 more weeks of winter! If not, then spring will come within 6 weeks! That's what they say. Quite frankly these days, I put my money on the appearance of the geese returning to the north! I mean what if the groundhog didn't come out on the 2nd, like it didn't want to, overslept, died! And even more relevant, how does it account for global warming? Well one way or another, it has become a crucial factor in the local tourist economy bring badly needed jobs to the now poor rural areas at this time of year, and as usual, there's nothing more satisfying than milking those city slickers again! At one time it was considered an accurate factor in making farming decisions, and in fact the theory was pretty damn accurate. But nowadays it is a big media event, surpassing the Annual Polar Bear Swim! If only they could ensure that the groundhog would co-operate. Simple, read the following:


Wiarton Willy - Wiarton, Ontario, Canada
Punxtatawney Phil - Pennsylvania, USA

The boomers in their beemers come from miles around.
The pilgrimage to this site, their fortune to be found.
With cells in ears, these laptop jokers
Keep in touch with their stockbrokers,
In L.L. Beans and hats from Tilly's.
The locals think they look damn silly,
To seek the wisdom of Wiarton Willy.

Big black mercs are filled with jerks, further south in Pennsylvania.
They filed a claim they were first with this similar critter mania.
They've complained most bitterly to the WTO.
Unfair is the weather where it's 40 below.
It gives the advantage of advanced knowledge
And tilts the profits away from their college!
To Punxtatawney Phil this is cultural pillage!

Quietly, below the ground,
Peacefully sleeping, safe and sound,
Phil and Willy dream away
Completely oblivious of the day.
And all the folks and paparazzi gather
And off the truck comes the ground tamper!

But known to none that fateful day,
Some bears nearby had chosen to lay
And spend their winter in solitude,
And not expecting an awakening rude!
Most certainly not to such a crowd
So arrogant and selfish and insultingly loud!

"Pop the cork!" The town Mayor did say.
"Christen the tamper with cheap beaujolais!"
"A swig all round!" said a wino there.
No one heard him and none who would care.
The church clock rang noon
"Pull the cord you buffoon!"

With a sputter and a thump that made the thing jump
It nearly got away til it ran into a stump,
They dragged it back again
Over the top of it's den
But it killed the poor hog
That had slept like a log!

They thumped and they thumped wondering what was the matter.
By now they were drunk and mad as a hatter!
To their shock and surprise
Standing before their eyes
A mother of a beast
To make them a feast!

It ranted and roared like a true nature's pet.
And lumbered and swiped at as many as it could get.
The scene it was gruesome
There was none who could lose him,
Except for the winehead
Whom it thought he was dead!

All was still as the bear went back to bed,
The tamper tamped off and the groundhog was dead.
But faintly the sound of cell phones and pooters
Like an orchestra gone mad without a conductor.
Their brokers were freaking and all in a panic
The market was stalled and the WTO was frantic!

When the poor sod came to, he didn't know what to do!
The place was a mess like feeding time at the zoo!
"I must be delerious,
This plonk is injurious,
I think I've had enough."
And swore off the stuff!

He tried a cell phone to call up his business,
And then call the Missus and beg her forgiveness,
But the batteries had died
And the stock market fried
And the sod lost his job
He fell in with the mob!

So there you have it, The Groundhog Day Slaughter!
And legislation was passed to change it to otters,
Or maybe to beavers, or possibly eagles,
Or maybe to rabitts, or maybe to beagles,
Now it's tied up in squabbles at the UN, I think,
But no longer groudhogs because they're extinct!